Horrifying attempts [chapter 1]

credits to Rax Pickar

[CHAPTER 1]

 ultimate jokes

    When I first found out about sex I was almost ten years old. It was a whole new world of activities I could never believe it existed. a couple of years before that I was able to practice individual enjoyment throughout touching myself but I could never share it with anyone. furthermore, I thought I discovered something that no one ever knew about! until one day my older brother shared the first mind-blowing secret of life (at least to me- at least at that time!) with my humble self and my other brother; and to top the excavation off with a gigantic cherry he played a VHS tape (this took place in the good old '90s) in that tape, there was a couple having sex. Cause back in the '90s it seemed like everything was playing hard to get.  I can't recall the detail in that tape (since I watched probably hundreds or maybe thousands or even hundreds of thousands of minutes of other tapes in the following years!) but what I could clearly recall for some odd reason was the colors grade; a yellowish and brownish dark color of a grainy image full of statics. I knew the moment I watched that tape it won't be a one-time thing. Although when I think of it right now I feel a bit ashamed, Here is what I think of it. It was a port to escape childhood with its all pure fun and unreasonable enjoyment. It's like life is testing you with this gambling touch of insanity, "would you leave all this for those few minutes of 'false' enjoyment?" life asked! "hell yeah!" I answered while am unzipping my pants. literary this seemed like the only reason which made me able to go on...in life!

      As a kid...I was a very ongoing person, curiosity was always my key to life, and it was always a natural attempt, nothing to care about or to exercise it. when I turned five or around that I often surprised adults with my answers or reactions over a situation. Around what age should one feel useful and with a propose. I can easily recall things from that age. and I can even remember their exact reactions and some of them are still alive and after thirty-some years relatives remember some of those jokes, I can't find a diction for that. I'd even ask that no one has answeres! Too often I attempted things and tried out stuff that is so horrifying. I can tell something happened along the way and it became a habit now and I will never get rid off of it. but life in curiosity has always been so irresistibly enjoyable but one has to be courageous enough to deal with the consciences. I remember one time I left a fledgling under the tree where I found it after several attempts to make it fly. The bird was very weak, every time it shook its little wings it drops back on the ground. I had to go to school and this little fellow was my secretive new pet for the next few hours although I left it under a tree and went to school. That day was so long; I couldn't stop thinking about what happened to the little fledgling. was it eaten by a cat? was it finally able to manage to fly? whatever happened to it is going to be my responsibility! I almost fall on my face jumping off the school bus running my heart off to where I left that little bird. I was shocked to see the little fellow still laying in the same exact spot lifeless. I did not know what to do or what to say. I silently buried the bird under the tree. "I am so sorry!" I said it but did I really understand what it means? This was my first attempt to help that was a dramatic fiasco. 

     I never had an easy childhood I was either judged or punished! I attempt to kill myself and every time I back up on that decision was always because I want to watch that tape! I liked to read, it was another escaping port but those tapes were different, something about them made them so precious and worth all the fear and adrenaline rush that comes with the attempt of watching a sex tape, back in the nineties when you needed to enjoy that falsely moments, everyone in the house has to be either sleeping or out. A ten pounds TV and about half that weight VCR to finally play a blurry yellowish grainy porn tape! now all you need is a less than a quarter of a pound cellphone and a reliable internet connection and bingo you are covered! 
     A few years later the addiction became real, I knew I had to change my habits, but what a fifteen years old know about habits and self-discipline. I was in a part of the world where everything is forbidden, music, movies, masturbating, girls, women, art, painting, tight shirts, girls, cute boys, everything has to finally fall to porn, sex, and deformed false enjoyment. You are probably wondering; What part of the world was that? It's a country in the middle east known as the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, I know things are slightly different now but at that time if you want to have fun you better do it behind closed doors cause this is your only way. 

     My dad was a very strong man who had a remarkable sense of patience, I believe a real man has to be patient, who is not yet there is either struggling to get there or he is simply a brat! I was a brat for so long time, I often thought I deserve the world only because I thought so. My dad busted me many times masturbating and that's probably why we too often clashed. he was a religious man but he had a good sense of humor. I couldn't just stop, and he was too busy to educate me -which I perfectly understand- I probably won't even bother to educate myself! but I will not try to judge nobody cause at the end of the day people are following their instincts like a wild animal.